The First 48....

Disclaimer and Objective: I began writing to contribute to the limited narrative that I was able to find online during my miscarriage. I found comfort in every blog, message board and YouTube video I watched of other courageous women sharing both their pain and their strength. I am not a professional writer. I am not a medical professional. I am not representing every woman's experience. But I AM saying that all of your experiences helped me through every tear that I cried and every prayer that I prayed. Miscarriage can feel like an island of isolation. I thank you for showing me that I was not alone. And neither are you. Big hugs and love to you all.

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The First 48 hours still feel like a bad dream to me. I cannot sugar coat for you what it was like emotionally, physically or mentally. This time last month I was concerned, but I was still pregnant. In 3 days it will mark one full month since I began miscarrying. I should be 10 weeks pregnant. 

I woke my boyfriend up at 6am hysterical. We were checked into the emergency room by 6:30am. I was still experiencing intense cramps. Over the next 5 hours they took my blood work to check my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels, did a pap exam, as well as performed both a standard ultrasound and transvaginal ultrasound. During the pap, my ER doctor said she was concerned and that it may not be a viable pregnancy because my cervix was dilated, and due to the blood and tissue that I was passing. The ultrasound tech isn't allowed to disclose any findings and she had the screen turned away from me. In the end, the results were confirmed - I was experiencing a miscarriage. My discharge instructions were to monitor my symptoms and blood flow to ensure I wasn't going through multiple maxi pads a day. The medical staff stressed that I needed to follow up with my doctor within 48-72 hours to confirm that my HCG levels were declining. My ER doctor wrote me an order for Tylenol 3 to manage the pain. By this time I had been crying for 5 full hours but she talked to me as I continued to ball my eyes out. She asked questions like, when did you stop your birth control? How long were you trying? She tried to comfort me by saying that miscarriage is very common and in no way reflects on the probability of future successful pregnancies. She also said sometimes women get pregnant fairly easily after birth control (it was 4 months for me) and unfortunately it's not that uncommon for it to end in miscarriage, but odds are my next pregnancy would be perfect. I know she was trying to help but nothing and no one could remove the cloud from around me.

I spent the next 48 hours crying my eyes out, praying, writing to God, writing a poem to my unborn baby, sleeping and crying some more. My boyfriend was so supportive and patient with me. It definitely helped to rely on each other through our collective pain, disappointment and vulnerability. 

I went back to YouTube to watch other women's stories of miscarriages during first trimester, particularly during weeks 5 and 6. I clung to someone else who could relate. What was their story? Did they have any warning signs? How long did their miscarriage last? How are they feeling now? How do I get past the weight of this pain and disappointment?

My heart was heavy and my mind was full of "what ifs" followed by, "what now"?